I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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