Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
