I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
