Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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