My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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