the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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