Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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