I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize