woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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