Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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