A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
