Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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