Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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