I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
