Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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