when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
