I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
