Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
