I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
