I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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