You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
