Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
