It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
