You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
