i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
