1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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