I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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