just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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