I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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