im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
