sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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