I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
