at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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