Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
