i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
