Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
