I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
