explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
