WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
