hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she looked like the before picture.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
