So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
