Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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