Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
