So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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