Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
