Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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