So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
