What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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