we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
