I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
