Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
