I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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