My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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