I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
