Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize