I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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