Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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