My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
too bad you live with your parents still
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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