i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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