i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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