Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
