remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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