drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
